Word: write
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...eight weeks, Coach told me I had potential. He also recommended "trying to write a column without using any celebrity names in it." In my final evaluation, Coach wrote, "Joel writes incredibly well, but some faces were meant for the printed page." I may not be any funnier than before I went to Coach, but I have learned that if I am ever fired from this job, I can charge people $725 to make fun of them. Which is just a little more than I'm making right...
...help here with the funny. Mostly it's just a lot of old guys telling me I can't use my column to write about sex. Luckily, they're so old they fall asleep before the magazine gets sent to the printer. Forced to find outside help, I turned to the Comedy Coach. I called Neil Leiberman, whom I found at comedycoach.com and listened to his answering-machine message, which included not only "I'll get back to you quicker than you can say 'Scandinavia'" but also "Leave me a message...
...think of something to write about," he said, "I'll open the Yellow Pages and go through them." He also suggested that I repeat national television commercials verbatim. "It's our job to say, 'Look, fog people--look how ridiculous life is.' The fog people are sitting on the couch, drinking the water, eating the chips--they don't notice the commercials. So repeating it to them is funny...
...soda-water fountain and the buzzing of the bees in the cigarette trees, just like in the song. I sit in my pajamas and work the Times crossword and sip peppermint tea and, it being almost Labor Day, I sit and think about work. And then I write a limerick. Of all the useless things a person can do, limerick writing is right up there with golf and fishing...
...Except now and then She enjoyed redneck men Who didn't know A.D. from B.C. "When it comes to the masculine specie," She said, "I like vulgar and greasy. Sensitive guys Tend to theologize And I am not St. Clare of Assisi." It takes half an hour to write this. It is useless work. But I'm quite happy about rhyming greasy with Assisi. Happiness is in the details. An indolent man awakes in the morning and thinks, "Wow. A shower with shampoo with aloe in it. Then orange juice not made from concentrate. Seven-grain toast with butter. Jamaican...