Word: tours
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...14th birthday, Cyrus is at the center of a synergistic whirlwind of guest appearances, concert dates and recording sessions aimed at hyping Hannah Montana. She's performing in several cities as opening act for The Cheetah Girls - a made-by-Disney tween-targeted girl group - on their 40-city tour. She rode a celebrity float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade before returning to Los Angeles to start production on the series' second season...
There has been a very minor controversy at Harvard this year, and of course, we want in. The question is: who gives the best tours of Harvard’s campus? The drug-addled Crimson Key Society or the total weirdos of Hahvahd Tours? Obviously, the answer is us. Though we’ve only given one tour before—to our foster parents on junior foster parents weekend—our competitors’ shortcomings are so obvious that we can’t help but intervene. These idiots think that just because they’re taking...
Aboard our future-scooters, our tour starts at Harvard’s fourth pre-professional school, the Divinity School. Sure there are plenty of trust falls, but the Div school isn’t your garden variety bible camp. The real meat of the program lies in its labs, where religious scientists experiment with pressing moral paradoxes, like how to turn gays into straights. Scholarship proceeds in a most efficient manner: while Widener wastes trillions each year on books, Andover library gets by on a few donations from the Gideons, a copy of the Bhagavad Gita, and twenty DVDs...
Next, we lean in the direction of our next stop, the John Harvard Statue. Unbeknownst to other tour-givers, the statue has more than three lies. The fourth fib is that John Harvard founded the school. In reality, Derek C. Bok, peace be upon him, founded it when he wrote the full contents of truth—“Ve Ri Tas”—on golden plates. Soon after that he moved to Utah, started Brigham Young University, and took his eleventh wife...
...course we would find it incredibly sinful to take direct compensation from our tours. Instead we encourage our followers to increase their karma by giving alms to the shamans in front of Our Lady of Au Bon Pain and Temple CVS. But we’re no frugal Franciscans: we picked up some tips from a B-school case study we found floating in the reeds by the Charles. Once we pack the tour group back on the Fung Wah, we go around to those same illusion priests and collect tithe times three, a cool 30 pieces of silver...