Word: matt
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...conversation that ranged from The Oregon Trail to the merits of bestiality, I discovered some interesting facts about “Matt the Babe.” First, he has received no fewer than three thongs from the UC, one of which has his face on it. Second, he’s close to his friends. “We bonded over his curly hair stage,” one friend reminisced. Third, he is often likened to an important aforementioned religious figure...
...Matt get his new job? “Jesus has got connections,” his friend joked...
After this titillating meal, I tried in vain to organize another rendezvous with the object of both my story—and my affection. Unfortunately, intersession was fast approaching, and Matt was heading home to small-town New York to spend some quality sweet-and-sensitive time with his family...
...working. How do you write a juicy exposé about a guy who once rescued a stray dog, used to secretly shovel snow out of his elderly neighbor’s driveway, and is genuinely interested in what everyone has to say? As his sister says, “Matt is one of the most real people you’ll ever meet,” and his commitment to the UC and to his friends and family, although the source of his sleep depravation, is enough to make any girl fall in love. Who would have thought that...
...there you have it. Matt Glazer: love of my life. Future father of my children. President of the UC. You would think that after reading this creepy tribute, Matt would either place a restraining order on me or call and beg for me to give back the balled up underwear I took from his drawer. But who am I kidding? He’s such a nice guy, he’ll probably do to me what he does to everybody else: be my friend. And I’ll keep the underwear...