Word: freshmen
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This one goes out to all you freshmen. I feel sorry for you. I really do. You have so many adjustments to deal with both academically and socially, and on top of that your Ec10 book is going to cost you 156 bones. (Don’t worry, though; the COOP will buy it back at the end of the year for a bag of potato chips...
Well, believe it or not, even students such as myself were once freshmen, and I have developed a few techniques to help mask the fact that you’re a Yard-dwelling, Expos-writing frosh. My methods have proven so effective that, during my freshman year, there were several occasions when students, professors, and, yes, even my parents, mistook me for a junior, senior, Larry Summers...
...this paranoia that everyone is watching you, you must be cognizant of your appearance. Now I know that it may be your most prized possession at the moment, but you’ve got to stop wearing your Harvard ID on a lanyard around your neck. Many of you freshmen wear that thing with such passion and commitment that it looks like you’re about to meet up with Samwise and scale Mt. Doom. Some of you have already discovered subatomic particles, yet you still haven’t discovered the joys and practicality of the pocket, wallet...
Also, try to avoid traveling in packs. It might seem counterintuitive to separate from your crew when you are trying not to “stick-out”, but trust me, it’s easy to pick out a gang of nervous freshmen. There is no need to round up 15 people to make the treacherous walk from Canaday to Science Center B while talking at the top of your lungs about how you were so wasted last night that you went to Felipe’s and ordered two slices of pepperoni. Upperclassmen who see such...
...Freshmen and upperclassmen alike suffer from unavoidable awkwardness. Sure, we love laughing at you when your cell phone goes off in the middle of lecture to the tune of the “Macarena,” but when it comes down to it, we really aren’t very concerned with you. We have plenty of other more important things to worry about, like writing resumes, walking to the Quad, and looking for our lost Harvard ID cards...