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Fifteen Minutes regrets to inform the general public of a tragic accident which has befallen two magazine staff writers. On Saturday, Feb. 27, 1999, Ginnie and Russell Independence of Colorado Springs, Colo. were found dead on a mountain in Lake Placid, N.Y. Sources inform FM that Mr. and Mrs. Independence suffered fatal injuries as a result of skiing while under the influence of alcohol. The coroner's report found concentrations of the following substances in the blood of the two victims: 12 eggs, separated1 quart heavy cream 1 1/2 cups superfine 1 quart milk sugar 1 quart bourbon cracked...
Friends of the couple have informed FM that the drink was called "Rus's Killer Nog." (FM is currently accepting applications for the position of Winter Visionary...
...winter have nothing to do with one another. The Enthusiast relishes as bone-chilling breeze and when it comes to snow, he just gobbles the stuff up. Cross-country skiing? You betchya! the Enthusiast wears fleece head-bands and will attempt making a snow angel even in curbside slush. FM advice to The Enthusiast...
Spot the Sniffler by a train toilet paper following a set of beet-red nostrils. In lecture the Sniffler blows, snorts and snots, infecting a four-row radius. Rest, medication, hydration-these words mean nothing to The Sniffler whose misery (read: identity) depends on a perpetual state of illness. FM advice to the Sniffler: Arithromycin...
...denies its existence. The Reject hates mercury and judges temperature by sunshine. Oftentimes without jacket, scarf or gloves, The Reject can be spotted dashing through the Yard, hands buried in a barn jacket-a true fashion victim. Living such a risky lifestyle. The Reject can often become a Sniffler. FM advice to The Reject: www.weather.com...