Word: baal
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While endeavoring to light a fire in our sub-Arctic common room, however, we were laid low by the image of the Canaanite deity Baal, son of El, come forth in all his crimson glory. He informed us that the answer to our problems lay within the body of knowledge we had accumulated over the past four years. Idol worship, he boomed, is the only way to regenerate Harvard, and indeed modern society as a whole...
...into thefray, that are physically present in our time ofneed (Heroes). Basically we need to equilibratesupply and demand in a spiritual free market thatwould make Marty Feldstein proud (Ec 10). WhatHarvard in particular needs is the Lord of theEarth, the active god of storm and fertility, thecreator of mankind: Baal...
...Baal would improve life at Harvard for all. Theancient Canaanites believed that proper worship ofBaal required that the worshippers engage insacred orgiastic rites to ensure the rhythmiccycle of nature. While the causal link is unclearanyone can see the benefits this kind of activitywould offer sex-starved Harvard students. Offeringlibations to Baal--the ritual pouring of alcoholicbeverages--couldn't hurt Harvard social lifeeither. At the same time, Baal would provide amore plausible mascot for our sports teams thanthe UC's ill-fated John Harvard look-alike...
...Baal is not an arm-chair-quarterback god: wecould hold him responsible for our successes andfailures. Much like household patron saints inseveral South American cultures, idols of Baalcould be physically punished when times take aturn for the worse. Putting Baal out in the coldMassachusetts winter a few times a week shouldkeep him in line. No second-round interview withMcKinsey? Feed him spanikopita turnovers,compliments of Harvard Dining Services. Bad newsfrom Harvard Law School? Throw the bastard in asnow bank. 'No distinction' on your thesis? Pitchhim off Weeks foot bridge...
...burnished to a golden color, says Stager. The calf was probably displayed emerging from the vessel in which it was discovered. He believes the idol was worshiped not for its inherent holiness but because it was associated with the Canaanite deity El, father of the gods, or his son Baal, god of storms...