Word: schnarch
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...Wapman, 45, manager at a Bay Area software firm, and Margee, 45, a therapist, had been married 18 years when they signed up for Schnarch's program in 2001. Busy with their jobs and three kids, their marriage was somewhere between O.K. and icky. "The relationship was sustainable but not very satisfying," says Ken. And their sex life, he says, "was like your commute. You could practically do it with your eyes closed"--er, don't a lot of people do it that way?--"but you don't really look forward...
...Schnarch approach immediately appealed to Ken. "I liked that he didn't pull any punches," says Ken, who used to disagree with his wife and others just for the sake of it. "I used to use more imperative-type language. Schnarch helped me to think about developing more collaborative alliances." Working with Schnarch after trying other therapists, says Ken, was like "jumping into a Ferrari compared to driving a Toyota Celica...
...benefits of the weekend (cost: $925) inspired Margee to want to follow up with the Schnarch nine-day retreat ($2,400). Ken, less enthusiastic, offered a counterproposal. "I cut a deal with her. I said I would go with her to the retreat if I could go on a two-week bike trip in the French Alps." Sounds like Schnarchian self-differentiation in action...
Hoping to break the pattern, they went last May to see Douglas Tilley, a Maryland clinical social worker who uses EFT--Emotionally Focused Therapy--a procedure that, in direct opposition to Schnarch's Crucible, focuses on the emotional need for connection and closeness with your spouse. EFT was devised about 20 years ago by Sue Johnson, a professor of psychology at Ottawa University, and Les Greenberg, now a professor at York University in Canada. "In our culture, we have this funny thing where we see maturity as being independent, not needing other people," says Johnson. "But when the Twin Towers...
Some of Weiner-Davis' recipes earn hoots from others in the fractious fraternity of couples therapists. Of her advice that troubled couples should "just do it!"--have sex to jump-start a passionless marriage--Schnarch retorts, "Telling low-desire spouses to just do something just pisses them off. Most couples seeking help are angry, and angry sex isn't very generous. These people would rather poke each other's eyes out than stroke each other's genitals...